The following is part 2 to An Introvert's Monologue. If you have not read the first one, please do so.

It started like any other Sunday in November 2023. Getting ready to return to the reality that is work after a nice little Thanksgiving break. That is, until I received a text from someone.

So I've got a date coming up...

This person I had immense feelings for and was the center of the first part to An Introvert's Monologue. We haven't been in a relationship in over a year, but I still loved them to death. And in one swoop, I was immediately smacked back into reality. The signs were there that they didn't have feels for me in the many times we'd see each other, but I chose not to listen because I wanted to be someone to them. I thought I could fix things. I thought I could turn things around. I wanted to feel love again. Everything was there, but I couldn't do the most basic of things right and I got stuck into this fantasy that I could change it even though their mind was made up already.

I broke down after that, but kept my cool to them. Ultimately I was happy for them to start something new, but at the same time, I could no longer run away from what I saw coming. The mindset I was living in for well over a year was all a mirage and I kept telling myself to think that way because I wanted to think that there was a chance. After we aired out everything we could (I wanted to get this behind) I wished them the best in their new relationship.

That first night was terrible. I couldn't stop thinking about them, crying, and trying to go to sleep. I woke up abruptly and could not go back to sleep correctly because my brain felt like it was oozing out of my head. It's hard to describe, but I imagined it as laying down in a pool of some radioactive substance coming from my head, and it just keeps coming out, making my whole body shake in discomfort. I felt like I had spikes poking into my back. And it was only 6 AM... I had a long day coming up.

The Pipe Dream

I was living inside of a pipe dream for the longest time. I consider it to be like trying to catch a cloud. You see it there, floating in the sky, its shape and form so clear and inviting. You reach out, hoping to grasp it, to feel its softness, to make it your own. You climb mountains, you fly planes, you even dream of inventing wings just to get closer. But no matter how high you climb or how far you fly, the cloud remains just out of reach.

This was my first real relationship. It may have been distant, but we still saw each other in person when able. I loved them deeply, with all my heart. They loved me too, however that love faded due to a lot of what I mentioned before, and they were able to move on faster than me. I wanted to reignite that love, but almost every time I tried, I was met with resistance, a clear sign that they weren't as interested in me anymore. I did not catch on these cues, as they did not seem entirely apparent what their motive was, since I did receive a handful of mixed messages about our exact situation. It was hard to tell what they wanted, but I really did not want to believe what seems obvious now. I wanted to keep trying, keep chasing, keep hoping that things could work out.

When they finally told me they weren't interested, it felt like a major blow to the gut, taking away what I had been trying to achieve for over a year. The chase had ended, and I can no longer live in that pipe dream I really wanted to be real. Giving so much of your life to something, only for it to end in pain, is one of the worst feelings a person can experience. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, not even my worst enemies.

Reflection Day

I chose to take off of work that day for a mental reflection. I went out to a nearby lake for an hour or two and just really thought to myself on where I should go from here. Little did I know that this would only just be the start of my grief. I might have yelled a few times in my car on the way there.

I did not have a good fall season. From losing confidence in my job, to a family member unexpectedly passing away, and now this. It's like someone walked up to me, punched me in the face, I fell on the concrete, then as I get up another random person dropkicks me back down, followed by yet ANOTHER person putting a knife in my chest. The world really wanted to see me crash and burn, and I could do absolutely nothing about it. I felt helpless.

If I tried to salvage whatever was left, I clearly didn't do it the right way. I found myself fighting with these questions, struggling to find any meaningful answers. It was a barrage of "why's" and "what's next", my own conscience messing with me so hard. I was trying to ignore the harsh reality that was poking its head at me, while seeking answers to questions that had none. The calm of the lake watched silently as I battled with my thoughts, a battle that was far from finished.

The Brain Fog

In the aftermath of it all, I was lost in this fog that overtook my brain. It's as if I have lost even more of my sense of self, in all this confusion and feelings. I'm here, but not really. It's like I'm watching my life unfold on a TV screen and I'm not in any control.

Every moment feels like I'm just lost at the bottom of the ocean floor. I'm standing in the middle of my life, but I don't know what to do next. A lot of simple tasks that I used to do without thinking felt so much harder than what they used to be. You might as well trap me in an endless mirror maze where I'm constantly running into the mirrors every time.

And, almost everything I experience reminds me of them. A song I listen to, a video I watch, a memory that pops up, anything I do - they all take me back to them. It's like a ghost that won't leave, a constant reminder of what used to be.

I'm stuck in this fog, this cloud that makes everything blurry. It's hard to tell what's real and what's just a memory. It's a struggle, like I'm always fighting to stay in the present moment. The fog is so thick, it's hard to see where I'm going. It's like I'm always lost, always trying to find my way. But I need to find my way through it somehow, and for the most part it is getting better with every passing day. It's more of a lingering feeling now, but I still feel it on so many levels.

Then... The Anger & Hysteria

Day after day, week after week, my feelings were a rollercoaster. Some days, my anger would bubble up so much, it felt like steam could shoot out of my ears.

Anger management with me is... rocky to say the least. I'm better than what I used to be, but I still have a few triggers that happen under specific circumstances which cause me to become borderline uncontrollable. I would want to punch holes in walls, bang my head against things, and scream from the top of my lungs about complete and utter nonsense. If I thought I wasn't in reality before, hoo boy I got another thing coming.

I was angry at myself, the world, and anything I could point my finger at. Feelings of abandonment and persecution consumed me. I felt as if everyone was leaving me behind on purpose, as if the world was conspiring against me. Self-deprecation became my constant companion, whispering in my ear about how I was such a goddamn idiot, I would never get out of this hell, robbed of opportunities, left to dry and underappreciated because of my differences.

Frustration and anger is not uncommon in people on the autism spectrum like myself, and it's hard to fully get that under control. When people say things like "just move on, bro," it just makes me even more confused. They don't get how big this is, all the things that make me angry, and how my view of the world seems even more twisted than before. It doesn't really address what's going on.

Sticking To Principle

But alas, there is a quote I myself have written in the first part:

If you get rejected, friend-zoned, or have a tough breakup, do not burn the bridge for the love of everything ... Taking it out on the other person, whether in private or public, not only makes you look like an ass but also can toss you out of the friend zone into the "don't talk to me anymore"-zone.

I never acted on my anger, and I never took it out on others. There is a damn good reason, and it's that even if I let anger take me on a ride in my isolated environment, once I start projecting this at others, I have let this abrasive and toxic side of me win. Self-control is the biggest thing between someone and their intrusive thoughts taking over their livelihood. I am not going to let them destroy my life even further.

As I've told myself (and many others), burning a bridge is probably the worst thing you can do in any friendship/relationship. Just because it didn't work out romantically doesn't mean that they won't be there for you as a friend (as much as it hurts a bit).

As such, it's best if you just keep your cool. You can let the feelings take you places, but if you let an abrasive side of you win, it will destroy you and any dignity you have. It wasn't their fault, it wasn't my fault, it was nobody's. Things fell out, even if it kills me to think about.

The Road Ahead

I stand at this crossroads in my life confused, but I want to turn a new page. I am uncertain of what the future holds. The world around me is constantly changing, and so am I. I am not the same person I was yesterday, and I won't be the same person tomorrow.

I deal with a lot of anxiety and mental health issues which makes it insanely difficult to do a lot of things in life. I don't grapple to change very well, which just makes relationships even more difficult to pull off. There's also distance which was the true killer in this relationship. I don't have any regrets for trying to make something out of this, I just wish it could have prospered as it was one of those times I felt true happiness in my life. Wanting to feel that again after struggling is all I wanted, but time was not on my side and it was way too late to try to start again.

I will always have a special place in my heart for them. Our paths may have diverged, but the memories we shared will always be a part of me. They helped, and continue to help me become a better person in life because they want to see me at my best, like they used to. It just really hurts to have to leave what I truly wanted to see behind, and close a chapter in my life that I desperately held open with all my force, even if they've already moved into their next one.

Healing is going to take time, that much is clear. I know I don't want to be alone all my life but maybe I do need to take a long step back and focus on myself, move on from the past, embrace the present, and look towards the future. It's way easier said than done in my case though. These type of posts are very personal to me and the feelings always get to me whenever I make them, as they typically cover the more sensitive aspects of my life, as living in this world for someone like me is not easy at all.

Love is a long, long road.